like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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