Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
