just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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