We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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