2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I believe in your delicious
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
