You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I think people are normalizing furries
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
