Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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