I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
