Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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