I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
