Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize