So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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