You really coming over, don't trick.
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
