In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
