I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You can't just leave with hair like that
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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