You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
