Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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