Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
