I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize