fuck your aforementioned shoe
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
