its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
