HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
