Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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