i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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