Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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