I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
