i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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