so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
