So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
