my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize