turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
