I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
