She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
