i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Is that strawberry winking at me??
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
