I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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