Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
