I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
