Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
ttyl tear gas
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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