Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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