my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
