Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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