my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
