wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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