I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
