Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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