Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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