i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
