I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Randomize
