i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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