You're completely useless in the revolution.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
