Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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