I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
