my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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