You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
