May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize