Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
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