i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You can't just leave with hair like that
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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