I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize