Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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