On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize